why “(un)certainty”?

When I was younger I’d always imagine my life as a movie. I’d imagine an audience watching and reacting to my on-screen narrative. If my bio-pic had a title it’d be “Uncertain” because my life is a (sometimes unfortunate) series of unanswered questions. At times it might seem like I’ve successfully acquired an answer, but really I’m just winging it. Honestly, I think everyone is. If you read my first post (and you should if you haven’t) you’d know that this whole blog revolves around me winging it. To summarize:

i have no idea what i’m doing.

My current least favorite question is when adults ask me what I plan to do when I graduate from university. Answering that question poses a challenge because how I plan to utilize my degree is still a mystery to me. You can actually see the disappointment in people’s eyes when I respond with “I’m not sure yet” or “I have no idea.” It’s like the light leaves and it’s replaced with this hollow, hopeless darkness.

baa, baa, black sheep

have you any wool?

However, it’s definitely a step forward in comparison to last year. I was Undecided/Undeclared my entire freshman year. I decided on Communication Studies as my major, because you can’t put Undecided on a student visa. Needless to say, I much prefer the question “What are you studying/What’s your major?”. Studying is the most straightforward aspect of university. Of course, it requires serious effort, but there are syllabi being handed to you to make your studies more focused and specific on certain topics. It makes studying easier because you know exactly what you have to do (in most cases). Thus, the difficult thing about university for me is establishing an end goal (besides graduating and receiving a degree) and using that goal as my motive to continue studying.

i’m doing what i’m supposed to do, but nothing makes sense…

something’s missing.

The idea of taking a semester off after two years of university makes me anxious. I won’t have a schedule, I won’t have a set curriculum to abide by, and I won’t have scholastic excuses to be anti-social. In sum, I’ll have to face the world,  be social, present, and interactive with people (college students have this strange ability to be present but absent simultaneously, even around each other – it’s probably the whole smartphone thing that adults complain about). It’s time for a break from the world of tertiary education where R.A.s bribe you with food to attend their “relaxing” events for thirty minutes until you retreat back to your dorm to finish a paper that’s due on BlackBoard at midnight.

All I’ve ever known was school, but a change is coming, my friends. So … now what?

am i giving up? 

Admitting defeat was a fear of mine when I was considering taking a break from school. I thought that if I was taking a break now then I’d never go back because I’d give up due to laziness. It’d be so much easier for me to just… continue. Everyone does it, why shouldn’t I? I decided not to take the easy route, I decided to take more time to learn more about myself and my hobbies, about my family, and my friends (that I seem to lose more & more contact with as the days go by). I don’t want people and opportunities to slip out from under me because I was too overwhelmed by midterms to even try and communicate with others. Thus, I’m taking a semester off. I’m still afraid of being idle and feeling worthless or “bummy,” but I’m doing it anyway. I’m taking a risk and I highly doubt it’ll do more harm than good.

*insert smile here*

It should be noted that this is personal, and if you’re blazing through university without (detrimental) difficulty … go for gold!

-Sara B.

 

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7 thoughts on “why “(un)certainty”?

    1. …Almost 40 years post undergraduate studies and whilst not (Un)certain, I can’t claim absolute certainty. This despite myriad and diverse post-graduate achievements. My journey, my search continues. You’re on your own path, Sara. Blessings.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. The search never ends Sara. This semester you are giving yourself is like a system reboot clearing up the hung programmes and circular references. There might even be more times of reflectionGramm in the future but your goal must be always to go forward and succeed! I believe you’ll be fine!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A most honest reflection of the complexity of making life decisions and the uncertainty that ensues. Congratulation on having the courage to challenge the status quo and do what makes you uncomfortable.

    Like

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